"thanks" Completely Pointless Television

STORIES WALL LIFESTYLE in "thanks" Completely Pointless Television

"thanks" Completely Pointless Television

“I wanna rip off his limbs off and beat him with them. I wanna go West Virginia, Hood-rat backwoods on his ass.”- Emily Maynard

You would think with a quote like that that this show would be interesting but it’s not. Emily is down to 10 boyfriends. That’s almost like having no boyfriends. There isn’t much show to go until Arie wins this season of the Bachelorette, but there is plenty of pointless footage to recap.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, Monday night’s Bachelorette was the most boring episode of all time. I don’t know many total seasons there have been in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, but last night’s episode was by far the worst. My wife, the show’s biggest fan and only reason I ever started doing these god-awful recaps in the first place, just stopped watching. She walked away and called her Mom and then paid some bills halfway through. The episode wasn’t outrageous or corny. It was without purpose. It’s a bad television show.

I’ll try to make this recap as interesting as possible but there really isn’t anything to report.

Chris Harrison flies the crew out to London, England to make out and fake like they’re trying to produce a television show. Harrison gets serious at the start and reminds his ab-pack that the winning prize on this Game show is being someone’s husband. The guys show serious faces and act serious. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and the stupidest group date.

Emily says “I’ve wanted to come to England forever”. She parades her 6-year old daughter in front of the cameras for a while before ditching the kid to go out on dates with her 10 boyfriends.

Giant religious guy Shawn gets the first date. They take a double-decker bus tour of London to waste a little less gas than a helicopter ride. Shawn says, “London’s calling and I’m going to answer it”. I throw up in my mouth a little. They show famous English sites and take pictures and make out and I hate this show.

Back at the Hotel ‘Bad Kalon’ is back and says some bad things about the fact that Emily has a daughter. Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets mad and tells the camera how mad he is. When he talks, he pinches the air with his fingers. It’s like he’s holding a card in the air displaying the number.

Shawn and Emily drink wine on a blanket in a park where people shout out political takes. Shawn gets on a soap box to tell English people what love is. English people listen and clap. England is now ruined. Emily says that it’s hot. I can neither agree nor disagree.

Shawn and Emily eat dinner in a prison or something. Emily has a cold this week so she sounds like Harvey Fierstein when she talks. She sits Shawn down and demands to have more kids. And then Shawn says that he’d have kids, so Emily demands to know exactly how many times he’d be willing to breed because she wants a lot of kids and he says he’d have 8-to-10 kids so Emily gives him a rose. Then they go outside to make out and you’re just waiting for fireworks because, of course, there are going to be fireworks but they don’t blow off any fireworks and, so far, London sucks.

Please go spend 4 minute talking to someone you love on the phone rather than read these next couple of paragraphs.

The group date is super goofy. Some British people teach the guys to act out Shakespeare. It’s a totally new concept for this show because they have never tried to do this thing where contestants learn parts of a play and then act them out in front of a live audience. I mean, they did it last season and, about, 12 seasons before that but… it’s totally new to this year’s show.

What follows is 28 minutes of guys practicing and performing Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It makes me sorely miss last week’s gripping boat race. Guys say they’re nervous about doing Shakespeare, they make fun of the English words and then they act out Shakespeare. It takes 28 minutes. Evil personal trainer Ryan gets to kiss Emily at the end.

After the play, they go off to get drunk at a bar and Emily makes out with racecar driver Arie for 3 minutes, complete with slurpy goodness. Arie is pretty much the winner this season which makes all of this pointless television that much harder to put up with. Evil personal trainer Ryan gives Emily a necklace and Kalon sits in the other room to complain about Ricky, Emily’s daughter. He called her baggage.

Doug the Dad tattles on Kalon and Emily gets super mad and this is probably super dramatic in some worlds but I’m bored. I’m not a big fan of Doug the Dad, making it likely that he’ll be a Bachelor candidate after losing this season.

Emily does says, “I wanna rip off his limbs off and beat him with them. I wanna go West Virginia, Hood rat backwoods on his ass.”

Emily dumps Kalon in front of her 9 other boyfriends. She does that ‘Ghetto’ finger shake thing while she talks and things just got real. Emily swears more than Dustin Brown (sports quota filled) and they bleep it because this show isn’t being broadcast live.

In the goodbye cab ride home, there are no tears. Kalon tells the camera that he meant every word he says. He is pushing hard for a Bachelor Pad roster spot. Emily yells at the rest of her boyfriends for not ratting Kalon out sooner. Then she storms out of the date and runs back to the Hotel.

The next day brings a new chance for exploiting her baggage. Cameras capture some important footage of Emily and Ricky playing in bed.

Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets his big chance for a 1-on-1 date.

Emily takes Jef with 1 ‘f’ for British afternoon tea. Some British broad teaches them etiquette and they get uncomfortable and leave. They go to a British pub for a pint and some fish and chips because they’re in Britain. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is happy that it’s now just he and Emily and a couple of camera guys and a couple of sound guys and a producer and all of the other people in the pub and their waitress and, eventually, the millions of people watching at home.

After a pint in a pub (they’re in Britain) they ride a giant Ferris wheel with breathtaking views of all of the loos, pubs, lifts and pitches of Britain (they’re in Britain). Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks a lot and Emily sits there looking like she wants to jump on him. He makes her feel better about the night before when 7 of her boyfriends upset her. There are two really delicious looking desserts sitting in front of them the entire conversation and they don’t touch them and it’s wasteful and I would like to eat those desserts. Jef with 1 ‘f’ eventually makes out with her so we can hear the slurping. Jef with 1 ‘f’ asks Emily to make out with him before making out and it’s awkward.

There’s still like 40 minutes of this show left and I would really like for you all to stop reading these so I could stop recapping this garbage.

Next comes the cocktail party where Emily yells at a lot of her boyfriends again and then makes out with many of them.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison yells at the guys because it’s serious and they’re in London. Emily is boring. She yells at the guys one last time before dumping one of them.

ABC pretends like Arie is not winning the show by making it seem like Emily isn’t going to give him a rose. They make him the last guy to get a rose. It’s between him and the mushroom farmer who has spoken 4 words the entire season. It’s not suspenseful. It’s stupid.

Mushroom farmer does not cry in the limo. He does let America know that he’s ready for love so… go get’em ladies! He was in London, England last time I saw him.

Next week, the guys start throwing around the ‘love’ word and it’s totally taken forever for that to start happening. They’re going to Croatia and the guys all act excited to go to Croatia. I hate this show.

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