"beware" Welcome Back to Hell

STORIES WALL LIFESTYLE in "beware" Welcome Back to Hell

“All of my good friends call me Wolf”- Wolf

We’ve waited a long time for the return of the Bachelorette. Some prisoners wait a long time to be put to death. I’ll bet it’s a similar feeling. I don’t know what I did to deserve a 90-minute series premiere but I’ll obviously pay for it somewhere down the line. ABC never rolls out 90-minute premieres. It’s a miracle. IT’S A BACHELORETTE MIRACLE!!!!

Emily Maynard won the hearts of America by being pretty and failing to say or do anything substantial during Brad Womack’s Bachelor Season. She was the final Game Show contestant standing and earned a 3-month relationship with a man haunted by severe emotional problems. Now, she gets to choose from an impressive variety of abs.

Maynard originally turned down an offer to be the Bachelorette and later changed her mind after praying… ‘cause… you know… never mind. Host Chris Harrison says that we will have a completely different show from what Bachelor viewers are used to. I’m guessing that means the worst people on Earth won’t show up to pretend like they’re in love in an attempt to further their careers so they get picked to smile for Protein Shake advertisements in Men’s Health. That’s a long sentence, but I know you didn’t come here for grammar. Buckle up, Bachelor fans! Let’s recap another season and hope something big falls on us!

We start out with voiced-over shots of Emily playing with her daughter Ricky, annoying ducks with balloons and reading alone in her living room. ABC didn’t feel like waiting more than 2 minutes to exploit the kid for ratings. Hopefully the money Emily earns as the Bachelorette can be spent on a good therapist who can soothe Ricky’s emotional scarring form constant camera monitoring.

We then relive the pointless journey Emily took with Brad. Then Emily goes to various places to sit and stare off into nothing while blathering on about Ricky and nothing because she’s completely uninteresting. There’s a point in the show where Emily sits on a fountain. I didn’t think she was serious about finding love until she sat on that fountain.

Chris Harrison comes out to tell America, for the 4,000,000th time, that Emily lost her first fiancé in a plane crash. Did you guys know that? Did you know that Emily lost her first fiancé in a plane crash?

When we’re done with Harrison’s dramatic revelation, ABC roles out their featured contestants. The field can be described in one word but I’ll use several. I spent 20 minutes going through their pictures and bios to decide who I wanted to get a head start on hating. I needed a Tums when I was done. We’ve got a guy who can’t spell ‘Jeff’. We have a mushroom farmer, a grain merchant, a party MC, a lumber jack and, of course, a race car driver. For those of you who are new to the show, Emily’s former boyfriend was a race car driver who died in a plane crash. ABC made her both ride in a plane and race a race car two years ago. ABC loves emotional subplots.

David the Singer/Songwriter uses the phrase ‘Disparate facets’ in a sentence. I hope he goes home soon. Not only is David eager to find a wife, he also stands on balconies to stare off into the distance to think about how much he wants to find a wife.

They interrupt the ab-fest for a 1-on-1 interview between Harrison and Emily. Harrison lets the 4 people in America who weren’t sure about how many fiancés Emily used to have in on her story. Emily’s been engaged before. Emily says, “This could be the night I meet my husband.” Normal single people think things like that when they walk into Wilson Farms for Schlitz Tall Boys. Every night is the night you can meet your husband. Emily says she doesn’t want to talk about her tragic past anymore. That means we’ll only get 6 gazillion more references to it.

We’re back to meeting all of Emily’s boyfriends. It’s a great season for guys using gimmicks to make a first impression. A lumberjack gives Emily a glass slipper on a pillow. Jackson, a fitness model, got on his knees to quote the movie ‘Hitch’. I’m not sure who is guiltier in this situation, the fitness model for quoting ‘Hitch’ or the recapper for immediately noticing which movie he quoted. Some dude dressed up as a grandmother. Alejandro decided that being a douche would be a good approach. Jef can’t spell his name and rode in on a skateboard. Jef has the same haircut as the Big Boy Burger guy. It’s hard to determine this early into the season, but I think I hate Jef the most. I’m really going to get sick of my computer underlining Jef all season. My computer is saying, “Hey! You’re spelling ‘Jeff’ wrong!” and I’m like, “I know computer! That’s how he spells it! You should see his hair!”

One guy was credited with the quote of the night, “All of my good friends call me Wolf”. If your good friends call you ‘Wolf’ then you don’t have any good friends.

Kalon is a rich guy who wants desperately to be hated by America. He arrived in his own personal helicopter. He has been planted by the Network to stir up drama this season. I wonder if one person watching this show doesn’t realize this. Of course, I said this about a certain Bachelor contestant named Courtney last season and she ended up winning it all.

After arriving in limos and helicopters, the guys head inside to drink, fight and lay the groundwork for regret. One guy had bobblehead dolls made of himself and Emily. That broke a Bachelor franchise record for Rapiest behavior. A single father forged a note from his 12-year old son to hand to Emily to gain points. That approached Bachelor franchise records for exploitative behavior.

We’re an hour in and the only thing Emily has said is that she is excited and nervous. She never says anything that is the least bit amusing, engaging or informative. There is absolutely nothing more to this woman than looks. (Except a tortured past that we’re done talking about)

The Bachelors are sitting around on couches hating on the Helicopter guy. They’ve nicknamed him ‘Helicopter Guy’. I’ll admit that I can’t do any better. Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside to talk. He doesn’t have to make much of an impression because he’ll be pushed through several rounds by the Producers to make people angry. The Party MC guy initiates an argument with Helicopter Guy to give the producers a chance to use their dramatic ‘fight’ music. It gets tense. The ‘fight’ music gets louder. I hid behind my couch in case punches were thrown.

More people talk about nothing and some time goes by. This show is awful. Emily gives her first impression rose to Doug the single Dad guy who gave her a fake note from his 12-year old son.

The Rose Ceremony is next. The only thing I missed about this show was the ‘Rose Ceremony’ music. It’s the type of music I want played if I ever fall into the Lions’ Den at the Zoo. The roses are handed out at break-neck speed. ABC had to cut some corners somewhere with an abbreviated premiere. I couldn’t even keep up.

I know the black guy didn’t get a rose. The black guy never gets a rose. The 41-year old didn’t get a rose either but it had more to do with his facial hair than his age or six kids. He had a patch of hair underneath his chin. Who would think that’s a good look? 41-year old cries on T.V. because a woman didn’t give him a rose after spending 11 minutes in his presence.

ABC rolls out some preview footage of the upcoming season. It’s totally going to be different. There’s a butt-ton of conflict, drama and, of course, love, because love is what it’s all about. There’s even a little Dolly Parton pep talk footage thrown in there for good measure.

During the credits, one of the jilted Bachelors takes his shirt off to show America the abs that Emily will never get to do laundry on. I feel bad for the guy. He’s obviously never eaten a chicken wing.

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